Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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