i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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