R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize