69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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