he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
