Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
