It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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