walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
