no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
