my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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