Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
two words...techno handjob
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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