I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
