I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
