Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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