I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
