made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
