half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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