i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.