Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
