there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
