I just saw a hot homeless man
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
