remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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