he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
