I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
