Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
