A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
