Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
