i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
