You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
