I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
