I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
