no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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