She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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