I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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