I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
