She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
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I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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