She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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