she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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