the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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