I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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