so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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