i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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