I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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