The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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