We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He shit in the fireplace
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
