Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I looked at my own cervix.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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