it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
