Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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