I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
