Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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