Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
