3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
