new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
