I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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