So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
BRING THE BAGELS
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
