He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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