Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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