i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
