I hate all girls vehemently.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
time to smoke my breakfast
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
