i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
