Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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