whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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